This picture was taken when my handsome little man was 3 months old. Looking at it makes me hurt so much for the new mom that I was. I am sure looking at it you see only a mom loving her gorgeous baby and enjoying a warm sunny day.
What you don’t see, what hardly anyone saw, is a new mom dying inside. A new mom trying so hard to pretend everything was ok, that she was alright and adjusting well to this new beautiful life she now had. What you don’t see is a new mom so sleep deprived she literally did not know how she kept going. What you don’t see is a new mom questioning every single decision she had to make throughout the day. What you don’t see is a new mom feeling so distant and disconnected from everyone and everything. What you don’t see is a new mom so afraid that she is failing as a mother, worrying that she will never feel herself again, terrified of what the future might bring. What you don’t see is a new mom on her knees every night praying to her God to help her feel joy, the joy she was so expecting to feel when she held her baby tightly.
What no one saw, including myself, was the Lord’s hand holding mine. He was with me the entire time, never leaving my side, even when I felt like He had deserted me. He brought me through the muddy waters, lifted the cloud that had so deeply settled, and allowed the sun to shine. He brought me to my knees to make me better. .
I will NEVER say I am grateful for my postpartum depression journey, but I am forever thankful for my Jesus who never left me and helped me eventually feel the insurmountable joy that every mother deserves to feel. I am forever thankful for the people He put in my path in order to get the help I needed. .
Sisters– if you are experiencing anything like I did, please know that you will get better. Reach out, get the help you so deserve. Postpartum depression tries to steal your joy but the Lord our God is stronger than all and with His help YOU win!
If you need prayers or a listening ear, I am here for you! 🙏💕